Silence is Not Golden: The Why and How of Sticky Faith Conversations at Home
by Kara Powell and Brad Griffin

 "Kara, I need to ask for your forgiveness.”

I couldn’t think of anything that Linda, a single mom of two teenagers in our youth ministry, had done that might require my forgiveness.  The last year had been a roller coaster for Linda, full of the highs of watching her son sprint forward spiritually, as well as the lows of her daughter’s spiritual stumbles.  Seventeen year-old Kimberly had become pregnant and quickly made the choice to have an abortion. This double-blow left Linda reeling. 

Linda began to cry as she confessed, “For over a year, I have been mad at you for what happened to Kimberly.  I have blamed you and held you responsible.”    

Gulp.

I had no idea that Linda blamed me for her daughter’s choices. 

In response to Linda’s tearful confession, I hugged her and told her that I forgave her and that I understood.  I told her that it is normal for parents navigating storms with their kids to wish that their youth leader could be some sort of all-powerful shelter.  When we can’t, parents’ disappointment can turn to frustration and even blame.

Yet as I thought about Linda over the next few days, I got angry. Not at Linda, but at a church culture that had allowed parents to outsource the development of their own kids to me as the youth leader. 

I saw Kimberly three hours per week for four years of her life—at most.  During those same three hours, I saw a few hundred other teenagers too.  How did I, in those three hours, somehow end up being more responsible for Kimberly than her mom, who saw her every day for the first seventeen years of her life? 

“Why We Can’t Afford Not To Talk About Faith at Home”

College Transition Project research we explored all kinds of factors that may be related to faith formation in students' lives. In the midst of a host of factors that do seem to help develop Sticky Faith, some of our most intriguing findings point to the role of parents and family conversations about faith.

 Reason #1:  Parents are usually the most important spiritual influence in their kids’ lives.  

While we believe in the power of adult mentoring (we are both youth ministry volunteers at our respective churches), it’s challenging to point to a Sticky Faith factor that is more significant than students’ parents.

Of course there are exceptions.  Your own faith might be vastly different than your parents’.  Plus we’ve met plenty of parents whose kids end up all over the faith spectrum.  But parents are more than an initial launch pad for their kids’ journeys; they continue to shape them as ongoing companions and guides.

Reason #2:  Most parents miss out on opportunities to talk about faith with their kids. 

At Fuller Seminary, we have great respect and affection for the Search Institute, a research center devoted to helping make communities a better place for kids.   According to Search’s nationwide study,12% of youth have a regular dialog with their mom on faith/life issues.

In other words, one out of eight kids talks with their mom about their faith.

It’s far lower for dads.  One out of twenty, or 5%, of kids have regular faith/life conversations with their dad. 

One more interesting statistic:  Approximately 9% of teenagers engage in regular Bible reading and devotions with their families.  So not even one out of ten teenagers looks at Scripture with their parents.  When it comes to matters of faith, mum’s usually the word at home.

Reason #3:  The best discussions about faith happen not just when parents ask questions but when parents share their own experiences too. 

That relatively small group of parents who do talk with their kids about faith tend to default to asking their kids questions. 

What did you talk about in church today? How was youth group?  What did you think of the sermon?

Depending on the personality and mood of the kid, responses usually range from grunts to “the usual”.  Not very satisfying for the parent or the kid.

Our research shows that asking these questions can pay off.  But as vital to Sticky Faith is that parents also share about their own faith.

In other words, parents shouldn’t merely interview their kids; they need to discuss their own faith journey and all of its ups and downs too.

Silence is Not Golden: The Why and How of Sticky Faith Conversations at Home
by Kara Powell and Brad Griffin

 "Kara, I need to ask for your forgiveness.”

I couldn’t think of anything that Linda, a single mom of two teenagers in our youth ministry, had done that might require my forgiveness.  The last year had been a roller coaster for Linda, full of the highs of watching her son sprint forward spiritually, as well as the lows of her daughter’s spiritual stumbles.  Seventeen year-old Kimberly had become pregnant and quickly made the choice to have an abortion. This double-blow left Linda reeling. 

Linda began to cry as she confessed, “For over a year, I have been mad at you for what happened to Kimberly.  I have blamed you and held you responsible.”    

Gulp.

I had no idea that Linda blamed me for her daughter’s choices. 

In response to Linda’s tearful confession, I hugged her and told her that I forgave her and that I understood.  I told her that it is normal for parents navigating storms with their kids to wish that their youth leader could be some sort of all-powerful shelter.  When we can’t, parents’ disappointment can turn to frustration and even blame.

Yet as I thought about Linda over the next few days, I got angry. Not at Linda, but at a church culture that had allowed parents to outsource the development of their own kids to me as the youth leader. 

I saw Kimberly three hours per week for four years of her life—at most.  During those same three hours, I saw a few hundred other teenagers too.  How did I, in those three hours, somehow end up being more responsible for Kimberly than her mom, who saw her every day for the first seventeen years of her life? 

“Why We Can’t Afford Not To Talk About Faith at Home”

College Transition Project research we explored all kinds of factors that may be related to faith formation in students' lives. In the midst of a host of factors that do seem to help develop Sticky Faith, some of our most intriguing findings point to the role of parents and family conversations about faith.

 Reason #1:  Parents are usually the most important spiritual influence in their kids’ lives.  

While we believe in the power of adult mentoring (we are both youth ministry volunteers at our respective churches), it’s challenging to point to a Sticky Faith factor that is more significant than students’ parents.

Of course there are exceptions.  Your own faith might be vastly different than your parents’.  Plus we’ve met plenty of parents whose kids end up all over the faith spectrum.  But parents are more than an initial launch pad for their kids’ journeys; they continue to shape them as ongoing companions and guides.

Reason #2:  Most parents miss out on opportunities to talk about faith with their kids. 

At Fuller Seminary, we have great respect and affection for the Search Institute, a research center devoted to helping make communities a better place for kids.   According to Search’s nationwide study,12% of youth have a regular dialog with their mom on faith/life issues.

In other words, one out of eight kids talks with their mom about their faith.

It’s far lower for dads.  One out of twenty, or 5%, of kids have regular faith/life conversations with their dad. 

One more interesting statistic:  Approximately 9% of teenagers engage in regular Bible reading and devotions with their families.  So not even one out of ten teenagers looks at Scripture with their parents.  When it comes to matters of faith, mum’s usually the word at home.

Reason #3:  The best discussions about faith happen not just when parents ask questions but when parents share their own experiences too. 

That relatively small group of parents who do talk with their kids about faith tend to default to asking their kids questions. 

What did you talk about in church today? How was youth group?  What did you think of the sermon?

Depending on the personality and mood of the kid, responses usually range from grunts to “the usual”.  Not very satisfying for the parent or the kid.

Our research shows that asking these questions can pay off.  But as vital to Sticky Faith is that parents also share about their own faith.

In other words, parents shouldn’t merely interview their kids; they need to discuss their own faith journey and all of its ups and downs too.